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Stuff stuff and more stuff

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Not so much a rant as it is something I just want to get off my chest.

When Adam and I first talked about our wedding plans, we wanted to do an outdoor ceremony. I want a small, intimate reception. He wants a traditional family-style reception. I agreed on the traditional reception. Upon discovering that we couldn't have the reception site we loved during October, we changed the date to mid-November. Thus ruining the outdoor ceremony plans since it will be butt-ass cold out (usually). Now I just REALLY want to do the outdoor ceremony in the forest preserve. No bells and whistles. Just our closest family/friends and dinner afterwards. I decided to bring this up to Adam during lunch today since we still have a year and 4 months before the wedding date. We got in a bit of a fight over it. Apparently, a large, traditional wedding is very important to him. While a small, intimate wedding is important to me. It's just frustrating trying to find a common ground since we both want total opposite things. I was willing to have the traditional large wedding, but the more I thought about it, the less interested I was in planning it and the more I wanted to have the small wedding.

Like I said, not so much a rant as it is just an annoyance.

On the upside, we're giving Abby a bath today. She's a little-miss-stinky-pants.

Comments

Ultimately is is you and ...

Ultimately is is you and only you who says "yay" or "nay" because without you there will be no wedding.

However, I was writing and writing and editing and editing about how I know so much about wedding from having been so intimately involved in well over a thousand of them as a wedding photographer (as I was for 17 years) would be... naw, then I was writing about questions about who wants what for what reasons, any issues going on there about control, money, family, people you might be very against attending who'd be there if it were a bigger wedding etc.

Then, I was thinking more along the lines of how it could be possible to come up with a compromise that would not be ideal to either of you but not be unacceptable to either of you either. After all, THAT is what marriage, spending he rest of your lives together is about!!!!

JUST THEN, JUST as the word "compromise" entered into my thoughts on this someone on the TV that is turned on here said the word "compromise". That was almost freaky but you would do well to take that to heart. That IS what just happened. It was kind of freaky but it was real. Faced with this dilemma it would appear you have to really make a decision about what you value most.

The cost of a big wedding..

The biggest thing with large weddings is coming up with the money to pay for a bunch of guests, sign up for what you want at your favorite stores, flowers, invitations, decorations both for at the church and at the venue you choose for your reception, attendat gifts, food, drinks, etc.

It all sounds great until you need to come up with the money to pay for it. Not sure what your age is but usually for a first wedding both parties parents pay for most of it. If that's not the case where you have family to help..it can get REALLY expensive for the two of you!!

At my first wedding, we both wanted a big one so we invited 300 guests for dinner and well over 500 for the reception. We decided to invite just close family and friends for dinner not only to keep down costs, but also to be able to get around to everyone close to us and thank them for coming, which was next to impossible!! Of course the reception was wonderful as there were soo many people there, yet trying to get around to talk to eveyone was again..simply impossible!! As soon as I was catching up with an old friend, someone else would come and interrupt us..and I had to continue on my way.

My (now ex) was a big socializer and loved to talk to people, yet at the end of the night with nearly 800 guests there; even HE was tired of talking by the end of the night!!

Large weddings these days are going at the rate of close to over $20,000 with the price of renting the hall, paying a bartender (whether it's just soda or if you add beer to the cost..a half barrel costs a bunch, if you choose to have free beer).  Add food to that, along with decorations for the hall, tables, and church..you may be looking at an even higher cost.

To be honest, people don't really remember large weddings as they all seem to be the same. Everyone has a few drinks before dinner; while you either have it buffet style or sit down (sit down costs more because wait staff has to pass out the food). Then there's the cost of the photographer that I forgot to mention earlier..and they're in your face so much that it's difficult to talk to your friends before they want you to pose for yet another picture, whether it's cutting the cake..the dinging of the glasses while you're trying to eat and you have to get up and kiss again..I don't think I finished even half my meal.

Cakes are amazingly expensive, although some are resorting to cupcakes these days. We looked into that also and they were twice as expensive!! At $2.50 a cupcake with the additional setup charge...it blew my hair back!! 25 years ago our cake was $600 and ugly as sin..lol!! I'd bought all the Precious Moment Wedding Party for it, hoping it would be so pretty..but it was honestly the most horrendous looking cake I'd ever seen. Had them take it down just shortly before dinner, I was so embarrassed regarding the way it looks..so there was no cake cutting between my new hubby and I..LOL!!

Adding attendent gifts into it..well that's more money also. Thank you notes (not sure if anyone does that anymore as email is so handy.), yet I hand wrote well over 800 of them..thanking everyone for what they gave us rather than those simpe "Thank you for your gitt" ones (that I find so cheesy.) Many older folk in families don't really appreciate those types of things (believe me..I've heard about it from family!!) as in "How much trouble would it take to write a simple thank you for the personal expensive gift I chose for them..only to get a random thank you sent by email to 100 people!??" In addition, as much time and effort as the things put in a basket that say, "Thank you for your gift"..they don't always go over well with many.

Of course that's up to you and the type of family you decide to invite.

Do the numbers on his side of things and see how they come out to. Add the things I've mentioned above and see what the dollars add up...he may change his mind in a hurry!!

My first marriage, he chose the church and I chose the hall for it. That was 25 years ago and our entire wedding was just under $10,000. It's a bunch more now, I'm sure.

I think your idea of a small wedding with close family is perfect. To be honest, most people that go to big weddings are soo used to going to those things that they all seem to run together. For all the work you might put into table decorations, etc., nobody really notices. It just seems to become a big hall with lots of people..music too loud for the older folk so they leave early..the food you pay so much for is often overpriced and not very good, etc.

These are all things you have no control over...but yet have to pay for.

If this is what your fiance wants..again, look at the amount money you can afford, and sit down and talk about it.

You could have a small intimate wedding like you prefer out in the woods where you need little decorations...inviting your closest friends and family for the ceremony, which would make it much more memorable.

Maybe later on you could set up a tent and invite the rest of your friends..have close family bring a dish to pass; hire a DJ, etc.

If I can bring up my second marriage, we found this beautiful venue that was an old antique house where we had the entire house for us girls to get ready at and perfect beautiful photo opportunities There was an additional enclosed Pavillion for the guys to get ready at also; in addition to a place for everyone to grab some munchies before the wedding.

Bigger isn't always better as we simply had a guest list of 80 close friends and family; a cookout where the guys cooked all the burgers and brats in their tuxes (and many commented on how much they enjoyed getting in on the grilling experience), as guests even enjoyed standing arond the grill, throwing a few on, while talking guy talk and having a few beers together.

We got married behind the old antique house full of apple trees and old flowers gardens; at the bottom of a hill and had all sorts of picnic munchies inside the pavillion. It had a full kitchen which was perfect. We also had access to the old antique village that was near the house (same owners) and all our guests were able to take guided tours, while taken there by a wagon with horses. We took some beautiful wedding photos throughout.. Entire price for the venue was $1000. We hired a super DJ that was just starting out for $400. He played all the music for our wedding; along with Karoake later on. He was absolutely AMAZING and played til dark..getting eaten up my mosquitoes, etc. Said it was the most enjoyable and fun wedding he'd ever played for!!

So I guess big isn't always better. Entire cost for our wedding 5 years ago including the venue, DJ, food, soda, a quarter barrel of beer, along with a few small decorations (since Mother Nature did the rest..) was just over $5000.

We did our own invitations from a kit I bought at a craft store. $40 for 120 invvitations that I made on our computer.

FYI...please don't buy the invitations they sell at the bridal stores as they are made of heavy paper. By the time you get the inserts in them..the postage can become really expensive. People don't really care if they're on lighter paper as they just toss them anyway..

My suggestions is for you to just start making a list of the costs of what he would like and what you would like. Although your idea of a beautiful natural wedding venue is much more appealing..I guess you'll need to sell it to him by doing the numbers..LOL!!

Happy wife..happy life..:) Good luck and I hope however you do it..you'l have an absolutely beautiful wedding day!!

wow, I see why you were ...

wow, I see why you were "conflicted" on FB! LOL! that's a hard one, maybe you can find some middle ground to agree on. just ALWAYS continue to communicate!

We didn't get a chance to ...

We didn't get a chance to address is again last night. Abby had her bath (yeah! No more stinky-butt!) and Adam had to go to bed because he worked night audit last night.

Compromise. We'll see what we can come up with. If we can just cut the guest list and have the more important people there. Unfortunatly, Adam is close to his whole family and wants them all there. Poo.

Well, I'm never getting ...

Well, I'm never getting married so I guess I can't give any real good input.....

I would say "Look hunny, I'm the bride, my daddy usually pays so we're doing things my way".

I would say that even if *I* was paying for it, I would say that even if *HIS* family was paying for it. Because seriously girl, you're a bride for ONE day and one day alone. And you know what you need for that day to be perfect, so in 3 years from now the only person that is going to care about your wedding being perfect is YOU.

Usually your issue is the ...

Usually your issue is the other way around. I wish you luck in figuring it out.

I am all foe eloping and then having a reception if you want. Wedding planning sucks. My hubby and I eloped and didn't tell anyone. We had a semi formal reception just to appease family. Luckily we were both happy with that. It was soooooo much easier.

The thing with eloping is ...

The thing with eloping is that Adam considers it "not a wedding." "It's like we're not married." He wants it to be memorable, traditional. All that stuff. We talked about it in extent the other day and he mentioned that maybe we can have the small, intimate ceremony like we want. But then a few years down the road when we can afford it, have the traditional wedding with a reception with all our friends and family. A vow renewal. Ok, fine and dandy. But I HATE the idea of only a few years later having the vow renewal. I see it as "What's the point? We JUST got married a few years ago (2 or 3). It's not like 5 years or 10 years later." The whole argument is that he wants the reception. And he thinks that the "quickie" ceremony won't be memorable. He's picturing it as, "Do you? Do you? Ok, you're married."

He just doesn't get the concept that at the end of the day....we're married. Regardless of HOW it happens, the piece of paper states we're married. He just wants the "party" to celebrate it with his family/friends. And there's nothing wrong with that...except we can't afford a 10k party-the kind that he wants.

*kicks Adam*

Conana, perhaps this would ...

Conana, perhaps this would go far in going your way IF you would just TELL Adam about us and also tell him it was the PAST! I promise to NEVER come around again and leave YOU alone! (c;}