Train Ride. . . .
A man and a woman who had never met before,
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
'Wow!…………………. That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. ………….'Get your own f—ing blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ………………….he farted.
The End
=
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Too funny!!!!
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're
sitting down when you read it. This is probably the
funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad
dates but this takes the cake.
worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
and let her go beside the road, or it would be in the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she
didn't have good
footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady
herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for
traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All
she could think about was the relief she felt despite the
rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her
dilemma.
the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
down'.
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A joke . . .
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed
coffin.
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I stumbled across this and LMAO!!!
remember "d*ck in the box"? well one of the guys (Sat. night live) from that is in this video and this video is HIL-AR-IOUS!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6I5XXFqOUyA
I actually saw a clip on itunes and found the entire video for free on youtube!
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Christmas Party ‘to-do’ list!!!
Yes, some of you already have seen this one, I posted it last year plus it IS making the rounds again in the email rounds. . .
HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY SEASON 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again. 8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day ? 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a great holiday season Author Unknown
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a funny
Better than a Flu Shot! Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in
her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute
glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the
water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones,
they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of
water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell
me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I
found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the
organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know
I haven't had the flu all winter.'
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lololol
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Did this work for you?
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FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE……
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense……….
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had Great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked Her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and All the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were Killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of The game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
Quarterback!' I'm like…Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
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Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a
bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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Al Smith Charity Dinner..(it was hilarious)
I Was flipping through channels last night and caught some of this last night. I caught a little over half of McCain and I saw all of Obama. No matter who you are rooting for it was freeking hilarious!! I am hoping to catch a re-run of it so I can see it all. It was very nice to see BOTH canditades laughing and joking.
When is the DVD coming out?? LOL
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Tooo true. . . .
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Sure I have posted this before . . .
BATHROOM PAINTED FLOOR
*IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY on the tenth floor….**YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING……* *(not that you would…)*
*AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM…. *
*You open the door…. **
NOW, REMEMBER,* *THE FLOOR IS JUST* *! A PAINTED FLOOR!**
KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY…..* *DOESN'T IT?* Scroll sloooooooowly…..
This would mess your mind up! (as well as your pants)
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LOLOLOLOL!!!!!
For those of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected
mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG
bucks. Watch for these consolidations in late 2008! 2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and
become Poly, Warner Cracker 3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become MMMGood
1.)
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co.
will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
4) Zippo Manufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become ZipAudiDoDa
5.) FedEx is expected
to join its competitor, UPS, and become FedUP.
6.)
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell
Honeychild
7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are
expected to become PouponPants
8.) Knotts Berry Farm
and the National Organization of Women will become Knott NOW!
And finally….
9.) Victoria's
Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new
name TittyTittyBangBang
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OMG, I KNOW who you should vote for!!
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retired hooter girl….(ewww)
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Subject: Butch’s Inquiry
Down south, Butch called his attorney and asked, 'Is
It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin
People to git cancer ?'
'Yes, Butch, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.
'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer
makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers
an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'
'Sure is, Butch.'
'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was
gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'
'Yep.'
'And that football player sued that university when he
Gradiated and still couldn't read?'
'That's right,' said the lawyer.'
But why are you asking?'
'Well, I was thinkin…
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all
them ugly women I slept with?'
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Nerds UNITE!!!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26914730/?GT1=43001
just shoot me if I ever CARE about something like
this…although I wouldn't mind the 100,000 bucks.
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I don’t often “shotgun emails out, but this is too good not to…if you’ve seen it, I apologize…
Hi Y'all,
I'm against the $85,000,000, 000.00 bailout of AIG.
Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000, 000 to America in
a We Deserve It Dividend.
To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000
bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.
Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman
and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..
So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a
We Deserve It Dividend.
Of course, it woul d NOT be tax-free.
So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.
Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000, 000 right back to Uncle Sam.
But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
A husband and wife has $595,000 .00.
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college - it'll be there
Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car - create jobs
Invest in the market - capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else
Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks
who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company
that is cutting back. And of cou rse, for those serving in our Armed Forces.
If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it…instead of trickling out
a puny $1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.
If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!
As for AIG - liquidate it.
Sell off its parts.
Let American General go back to being American General.
Sell off the real estate.
Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.
Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work."
But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!
How do you spell Economic Boom?
I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC .
And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because
$25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.
Ahhh…I feel so much better getting that off my chest.
Kindest personal regards,
A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic.
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PLEASE get this WRONG!!!!
Psychopath test Read this question, come up with an answer
and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it
reads. No one I know has got it right. A woman, while at the funeral of her own
mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was
amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in
love with him right there, but never asked for his number and
could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive for killing her
sister? [Give this some thought before you answer,
see answer below] > > > > Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the
funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a
psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used
to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the
test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question
correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me
know so I can take you off my email list…
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LOLOLOLOL
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The why’s of men. (#4 is my favorite)
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3.. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM
TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions )
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7.. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know…..it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma.'
And they say blondes are dumb…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.
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just for giggles….
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says…"Oh SHIT…she's awake!"
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Why city folk should stay in the city!!!
From a 911 call to a Lost and Found poster. Why city people should never move to the country………
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A little Olympic funnies!!!
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get ready to laugh…
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and THAT’S how the fight started…
********************************************************* When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…..so, I took her to a gas station….. and that's how the fight started…. ********************************************************* I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started. ******************************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And that's how the fight started….. ******************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started….. *********************************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started….. *********************************************************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started…..
***********************************************************
I remember Walter had posted one of these before, but, it's still so FUNNY!!!
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This is a JOKE!!!!
Now this is just Minnesota funny.
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'
The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish),Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'
Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but
he's cutting holes in the ice.
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‘Joke’ Break!!!!!
I was walking past the mental hospital the other
day,and all the patients were shouting
,'13….13…13'
The fence was too high to see
over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see
what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a
stick
Then they all started shouting
'14….14….14'…
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